Introspection

Before I had noticed, Christmas is already come and gone. The end of the year is fast approaching, and like most people, I turn my thoughts inward in reflection of the year that was.

I always have been, and always will be surprised at how quickly this year passed. You'd think I'd learn to make every moment count, but I still feel like I've wasted time.

This year also marks the end of the fourth years' degrees (with the exceptions of the ones embarking on a post-grad). Some of these fourth years I have come to know well, and they will be sorely missed by me. It's sometimes comforting to go to a fourth year and just start bitching about some project or assignment you hate. Like an elder brother or sister in the adoptive family of Engineering Science really.

If I haven't mentioned it before, Richie, the one hell of a clever bastard that he is, managed to land himself the Rhodes scholarship. Free ride to Oxford for him. Which well, means he will be leaving Auckland as well.

Everyone I've gotten attached to is going away. 'Tis a most sad year.

But hey, not everyone's gone yet. I still have the 3rd years, soon-to-be 4th years.

So, I'm going up north to Otamure Bay (further north from Whangarei) for a few days with Timmy, Simon and Matt Butcher and some of his pals. Beats spending the New Years' in Auckland though. Unless there's a house party someone's throwing, it really isn't fun. I also refuse to do what Danny is and go to the casino. Ridiculous concept if you ask me. I'd rather go for antipasti and tapas. Yep, both of them one after the other.

Did I mention that I've gained a little more mass than the last time? Unfortunately not all of it is muscle, due to my occasional slip-ups with food and training. I'm finally 71 kilos though, and bodyweight-wise, I wouldn't think I would want to gain much more. No more than 5 anyway. Like I worry about my weight anyway. I'm far more worried about lowering my body fat percentage. That reminds me: I should check mine again sometime soon.

Well, gosh, I've certainly rambled on long enough. Maybe I'll update sometime soon.

Adrift

Much like a hollow log I'm afraid this time. It's not that I'm bored, either. I just can't help but feel my days just stretching out before me, but at the same time I'm rushing towards the horizon. I'm being rather vague and nonsensical again aren't I?

It's like I'm living my days one at a time, but I know time is running out. Problem is, I don't know what's going to happen. I feel like a rat on a sinking ship that found a vast, vast hoard of food. More than I could consume in my lifetime, but the ship do be sinking.

I've probably got to just socialise and get out in the sun more. Make a panna cotta while I'm at it. Yum. Now I'm hungry, at 11.54 PM. Lovely.

I think I'll start touching up on my calligraphy skills (or lack thereof) and buy some lovely Christmas cards. I am feeling very much in the season, and the lack of snow and abundance of sunshine definitely puts things in an unusual-but-welcome perspective. It's wonderful.

Gosh, I'm rather bipolar these days too. I blame gym tiredness. Anyway, off I go. It's time for bed, and I for one am welcoming this.

If you read this Amy...

I was wondering, since I happened across a post of mine from before, and the comments that were in. Did you ever go drinking with them pommies? And you're finished aren't you?

That ends my aside. I've completed 1 week at the gym! My programme goes on for another 5 weeks before a reassessment. If I have mentioned that before, I apologise but I am rather excited about the prospect of gym.

The holidays are slow. I got all my results back though, finally... And I must say I passed this semester with flying colours (ish). 1 A-, 1 A, 2 A+'s, and an A for MEDSCI of all things. The subject that I thought I'd fail. Wow. Not questioning that. Not at all.

I talked to a researcher, one of the (many?) associate professors at the university. This time, as usual, I was fishing for a potential supervisor and a fourth year project that aligned with my interests. It seems I may have finally hit the jackpot, he seems to have a wealth of experiments that align quite closely to the things I am most interested in. I mean, it's not perfect but no one tends to have the exact same field of interest as you, so I'm pretty happy with today.

Jason, or Drake as I've come to call him (including nicknames such as Drak'ems and Drakey) so totally needs to have a birthday party. Me, Ange and Timmy want one. We demand our party. PARTY.... PARTY.... at Drake's house! Haha, but yeah.

I forgot to talk to Richie about catching up with him today. Oops, there's always next week I guess. Did I mention he's the Rhode Scholar for NZ this year? Insane aye? Well, not too suprising with his grasp on issues, intellect and the perfect grade score couldn't hurt either... I'm a little jealous, but really proud too. Dunno whether I should feel proud considering I've only known him for 2 or so years, but I do anyway. Put it down to my fondness for the lad. May the sun always smile on his path.

An Epiphany

Perhaps I drink because I enjoy it. Perhaps I enjoy it because I like it. Perhaps, too, in a very odd sense, I enjoy it as well because it makes me numb. Impervious to hurt. Impervious to sorrow. For that moment, you're invincible. Everything in itself is laughable, everything is not tangible. Being numb is good isn't it?

Uhm. So, what now?

Heh, I know I said I wouldn't make any resolutions, but I kind of got forced into making one, so here's my one and only resolution for this year:

Carry on drinking.

Yeah, I know it was cheating, but I don't do resolutions. I make enough during the course of the year that I don't feel like I should be bound to only making serious resolutions during the turn of the year.

Sleepy, but I need to be out, so 'ere I leave you with an excerpt from "The New Year" by Death Cab For Cutie:

So this is the new year.

And i don't feel any different.

The clanking of crystal

Explosions off in the distance.

So this is the new year

And I have no resolutions

For self assigned penance

For problems with easy solutions

Ciao for now.

Wrapping Up

And once again, the end of the year has come around, and the new year is staring me in the face, rushing along to collide into me. I think I bring this up often, but I feel it ever more increasingly: Do you ever get that feeling that time just seems to speed up?

I'm serious. The days, months and years are just blurring by so quickly for me it's like I'm 16 one day and 19 the next. Scary, too.

And I still have all these things that I haven't done yet either. But hey, anyway.

2008 was hmm, not a bad year I guess. Probably better than the previous years of my life. It's always great when you can say that, you know, when every year gets better and better. It's almost as if your life is like a bottle of fine wine or something. I definitely had fun, that I can say. And hey, a whole year coming to terms with an insanely hard-to-quash crush can be kinda refreshing on your viewpoints of life ah? I feel rather liberated actually.

I think I kept my drinking under wraps, mostly... Some people I know would beg to differ though, but seriously, with all honesty, I definitely think I kept it under control. I mean, I only had one real slip-up when I drank far too much, started chucking my guts all over the place and had the mother of all hangovers the next day. And it was just that one time too.

So, what am I looking for in 2009? I don't really know to be honest. I think my journey of self-discovery is far from over though. I feel sometimes like I never understand myself in the way I do things, so maybe I should figure it out. Hm, might shop a little less next year too, since I'm finally starting to be happy with my wardrobe. Well, a few more additions can't hurt, but shopping heaps is definitely going to go away, and be replaced by just shopping.

And no, I'm never going to make a resolution to drink less, that never works. But I will think I will be trying to stick to my gym routine this time round, maybe working harder to overcoming that ever-so-dreaded plateau I keep getting to around 5 weeks into training. It's annoying.

But yeah, I think I won't expect much from the new year, and maybe that way it'll suprise me. Besides, it's more fun this way too.

So anyway, I'm off to town. I'll be going to dinner later, and then who knows? The beach? Town? The night is young, and so am I.

A movie marathon - maybe a jog

I watched 4 movies over 2 nights, and most of them would be considered festival type films: Juno; The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford; Atonement; and La Vie en Rose. It only occurred to me after watching all four that I like movies that are somewhat sad. The ones that I liked best of the two? The Assassination of Jesse James, and Atonement. Only because they were so... sad... touching in a way. And so cinematographically beautiful.

I know its a bit late to be watching either of the 4 movies, but I've been rather busy this year, so I haven't had as much time to watch movies as I'd like. I'm entirely happy I saw those movies, and I absolutely love it. As much as I liked 3:10 to Yuma in fact. It was somehow sad as well, which brings me back to the theory that I like sad stories. 

I made a drill gauge in workshop practice today. Yay! It's utterly useless except for looking somewhat pretty in all its polished steelness (I filed at it and sandpapered it to give it a finished look, I'm so proud of myself). I think it'll make a wonderful paperweight.

Off to bed, I have gym and workshop practice again, for pretty much the rest of the week. Then after that it'll be work and gym. Ciao!

FREEDOM!!

...to the shores of freedom ... where no one lives

Alright, I guess quoting "Honey and the Moon" wasn't particularly relevant to me finishing my exams, but I still really like the song, so what can I say?

Yeah, it's all over, the exams are all finished for this year, and I can rest. And boy was it ever a terrible exam. I didn't want to have to do a "Regurgitate a summary of your 20-page report". Which I didn't manage to finish anyway, but ah well. Did most of the rest of the exam, so I hope I'd be fine.

Gym and Danny's tomorrow, movie with Richie on Sunday, and gym on Monday, then camping on Tuesday!!! Wow, my schedule's packed. Workshop practice in two weeks though =( I don't wanna do workshop practice. Gotta suck it up I guess.

Golly, I do seriously have cravings for a martini... Too bad I'm out of olives and vermouth. And I'm not going to just drink gin. I'm not that much of an alcoholic yet, heh. 

Me and Rhys have developed an interesting relationship, it seems. We'd good-naturedly bicker and I'll continuously diss him and put him down. And sometimes he does the same, but I probably have dished out more insults at him than he has at me. One of my worse ones being: "You dress like an engineer". Oooh, ouch, if anyone understands the stereotype. I suppose it was fitting though, since he IS an engineer after all, but then again, I apparently don't dress like one, or whatever. Too much thinking into this topic confuses me. And as Tim likes to say "Gabby's always confused". Thanks, Tim. You sure are helping my cause here.

And so I end with a particular set of lines from Joseph Arthur's song still stuck in my head... Ciao!

but right now... everything is turning blue...

and right now... the sun is trying to kill the moon...

and right now... I wish I could follow you...

to the shores of freedom... where no one lives...

Inspiration

Sometimes, it can be really difficult to keep pressing on. I'm not just referring to my exam studies right now of course, which is - pressingly urgent - yes, but there's always more things this could be applied to as well. In times like these, I find that it's great to find your source of inspiration to forge ahead. Some of my mates are my inspiration to get me through these particularly tough times.

Everyone has their own source from which they derive this inspiration. What's yours?

P/S: Paid off the deposit for the suit today. $1200 for now, $1150 when it's done. Ouch! =(

Reform

The election results are out: National has won over Labour. Capitalists over Socialists. Whatever you want to call it, the government is changing once more for the first time in quite a few years. About time too. Although I still personally don't agree with some National's policies. But hey, change is good.

Last exam on Friday, I just can't wait. I went down to Working Style to make myself a suit, which would cost me about $2300 I think. I suppose it's not too bad a price to pay for a made to measure though, and it's in a lovely shade of charcoal gray. Yay!

I happened to see this on the headlines of CNN. An 8-year-old has been charged with premeditated murder. Insane huh? I never thought that would ever be possible.

I've been thinking... *Whoa!* I really have? *World implodes on a massive scale due to paradox*

No, actually, I have been thinking, well, since I was having a conversation with someone I knew about Shadz and stuff last Friday. Turns out they didn't like to hang around some of the first year guys from Engineering because they're "arrogant jocks". Which I got a little offended by. No idea why though.

I'm quite far away to be classified a jock, although I suppose the reason why I fit in so well with them as well as others is because to some extent, I do think like them. I have yet to test this theory of mine, but it does make sense. More sense than me fitting in well with everyone, since I've already picked that theory full of holes, especially after I noted myself omitting certain persons, as well as being almost racist at times. So I'll now go with the "I have the jock mentality" theory. 

Wow, I'm a sad soul. I can't believe I'm thinking about stuff like this.

I better go to gym. Then maybe get down to doing more work. Have fun yeah?

Time and time again

Well, this is sort of a double entendre for me, even though in truth it isn't. Yeah, my thinking logic is a little wild, but hey, what gives? I kinda get this feeling that I'm running out of time, but I don't know what I'm meant to be doing. Okay, not exactly that way either, but its just an odd feeling. If someone has an alternate explanation for what I'm going through, I'd thoroughly welcome it.

Also, I'm always feeling bored these days. Call it a sense of repetition or deja vu or whatever it is, but I feel like I'm doing the same things all the time, even if I've never done it before, or if its something relatively new.

Hm, maybe I'm just sick of winter, and the rain in snow-proof Auckland. When will summer come and let me spend my days in idyllic bliss and warmth?

Issues of Citizenship

I've been thinking more and more recently of giving up my Malaysian citizenship in favour of a New Zealand one. Well, why now? Because:
a) Its more useful for me if I intend to travel to the States/UK for postgrad studies.
b) I need time to "acclimatise" myself to NZ
c) I'm really starting to question the necessity of being a Malaysian. Or in other words, I've grown disenchanted with Malaysia.

Hm. What to do, what to do.

I want a new cellphone, I've decided. But I don't know what to get. The iPhone isn't a worthwhile investment in NZ, the main problem being Vodafone offering it at a less-than-useful plan cost. Compared to Optus across the divide, their plans make for rather unsavoury meals.

So, I'm left here sitting and pondering about what mobile I should get. Obviously something nice to look at, something that plays music well would be good too (lessens the iPod + phone load), and a camera's nice. Or maybe I can wait longer and just get myself some clothes. At least they don't come with subscription fees and telco monopolies.

But yeah, seriously. I'm clueless about the cellphone thing. Anybody?

Edit: Just randomly, but, man, wooden hangers are hard to find. Especially cedar ones.
Edit 2: Oh, found them on trademe. I suppose this has its uses sometimes over ebay.

1 more week exactly...

...till my exams begin, of course. And problematically, I'm already over these exams before they've even begun. Ah well, guess I might as well begin. It feels kinda weird, being in second year and all sometimes. Almost as if I can't believe I'm here. You know, I sometimes feel like I should be somewhere else, doing something else. Younger, older, I just don't feel like my age, or myself.

But hey, I guess thats what we all go through sometime. We'll keep remaking ourselves and forging our own identities. And once every so often, we stop and think about how odd it all is.

Just today...

My holidays are like, over already, and I still haven't finished my assignments. Well, in my defense, I've been doing them at an abysmal rate, and mostly taking the time to sleep in and go to gym, so I don't think I was making good progress anyway. At least I managed to compile the appendices for my reports, so all that's left is to write it out, which hopefully should be done in a day.

I saw some guy who reminded me of this Canadian dude I met, Cody, at Rotorua this morning cycling down Symonds while I was on the bus... Odd huh, how you suddenly remember some people randomly. I wonder how he's doing anyway, like if he's gone back to Canada or something already... I remember him saying he and Ryan were going to Australia. Anyway, he was one cool dude. I suppose life's full of random little meetings like this, ah?

Auckland Anniversary Day?

You know, I seriously don't get the point of the Auckland Anniversary day. The only thing it is really, is just a public holiday after all. Nothing happens in the quiet deserted streets of the city. Everyone's away at the beaches, or relaxing in the comforts of home. Fun, too, I guess, but where's the sense in that?

Went over to Al's today, and well, I watched a movie called "C.R.A.Z.Y." That movie is ingenious. Actually really well written too. Its one of those movies full of themes and film techniques, and yet with a story simple enough and captivating. I was actually blown away by it. Can't believe I've never seen it before too. Just awesome, I tell you.

Hmm, I better get to typing out my bloody Accounting assignment out. I mean, I think the marker thinks my handwriting is a little hard to read. Probably because its so small. Ah well, whats there to do when you write tiny. In a way though, I think I'm ready for lectures to start again. Some semblance of normalcy is what I need I figure; going to lectures, interacting with Mike before lectures, then with Richie during and after lectures, before gym, and then back. I think sometimes I like routine a little too much. But I guess its not a bad thing, really.

Al brought up a topic today which I had short discussion with him about. What do you think, really, though? Everyone's read of stories where people can alter their personality, well, not really personality I guess, just the appearance of it, by subtle nuances and gestures. Mannerisms too, come to think of it. Even clothing. But really, do you ever reach a point when you lose yourself to the extent that you are the sum of it all, because each one of these "persona" are you? Or could you retain a sense of self, somehow knowing which is false, which is true? I went for the former, Al for the latter. I guess he has a point too, and that its all situational, and all down to how deeply you etch the differences on yourself. But think of it too. In most of these stories, these people feel so distant from others, from themselves. So maybe, just maybe, did they lose a portion of themselves, the very thing itself which defines us for we who are? Or maybe it was shattered into many portions, each a part of the whole. Whichever the outcome, the whole ceases to be since it is never manifested, except maybe through its agent personalities. I don't really know how to express what I think of the idea. There's just so much to say, so much to write about, and I don't think I know how well-formed my ideas are. Maybe its still yet a gut feeling, or maybe its retained knowledge from what I've read, heard, and thought for a long time. I think its a bit of both, but its not something I can fully articulate.

Enough rambling I believe. I think I shall get started with my assignment.

In Retrospect

I forgot to make a post of this nature before I left for the New Year's... So why not do it now? Let's see, last year was in many ways, a great year for me, although some aspects were left for want of improvement, but hey, you can't have everything, can you?

Last year for me was a fresh start of sorts for me. I left behind most of my peers in high school to join university a year early. Which, in some ways, didn't exactly make me the youngest either due to my school having weird cutoff dates. (Retarded school). The college life was well, exactly what I wanted. A greater degree of freedom, a reduction in social cliques because of the nature of the degree I was in. I'm not saying these cliques were completely eliminated, but that they were just reduced to an extent.

Last year was also a year in which I found myself becoming more socially active, or as some would prefer, extroverted. To be honest, I'm not that extroverted I reckon, but perhaps I became more approachable. Call it whatever you will. I found myself associating with more people and having to divide my time to hanging out with several groups of friends.

That may have been the upside, but the downside would be the inevitable drift between me and my old peers. As I found more and more people, it became hard to keep the same level of contact I once had, and so I drifted, far from some, and not too distant for others. I guess it could have been avoided, but I don't mind all that much. Perhaps it was for the best, too.

I learnt that in a way, having more freedom from the college life meant that you actually lost a lot of time trying to finish your assignments and projects in time. It certainly was the case for me in the 1st semester until I took a leaf out of Richie's book, so to speak, and attempted to manage my time better.

I learnt that helping and teaching others in their coursework brings a certain joy and satisfaction when they finally understand. Conversely, I found that when they failed to comprehend, it would be a most frustrating moment, at which point I would internally question their ability to understand and grasp the basic concepts of logic, or even mathematics.

Last year was a year in which I was christened with a new nickname. Yes, I actually do respond to Damian now, its more or less ingrained into me by now.

It has been reinforced into me that girls coming into Engineering in Auckland are:
1) a minority
2) rarely good looking (I'm not being mean, it is true)
3) not necessarily smarter than guys

I discovered that many people would never live up to my expectations of minimum intelligence. It also made me reconsider some of the principles I had established for myself since a few years back. Along the same lines of thought, I discovered that engineers all over, be it in Auckland, Christchurch, Melbourne, or some college in the States, share similar stereotypes. Perhaps we are all more interconnected than we know...

Despite the similarities though, it is also worth noting that we are all still different (obviously). For one, my almost extremist views on genetic purity and creating the perfect human (no, not Holocaust style, more like Gattaca if you've seen it) are rather distasteful to most, but the good thing is... everyone in Engineering has got their own quirks, so mine is well, just another quirk.

I learnt that engineers as a whole aren't too fashion conscious and would often make fashion mishaps within the faculty, although no one seems to care. I learnt that sometimes, its alright to loosen up your inhibitions and have some fun.

Since getting to know Richie, its come to my realisation that I have found an excellent role model in him. He's well-managed, able to find that balance between sport, study, and having fun. And he eats well too.

Last year, I learnt that as crazy as Alastair is, he's got a lot of substance under his whacked demeanour. I also learnt that I can trust people more than I would normally be prepared to, or more than I think they could be trusted. Which means I may have to tell more truth than skirting issues instead next time.

And lastly, I discovered that alcohol still tastes as good, and still is a great social tool, as it always was before. Cheers, and Happy New Year's! (Belatedly)

P/S: Yes, I really do have purist views. I, however, have my code of ethics, but I'm more relaxed than most people would be in their views concerning the optimisation of the human body.

See, Sandra.. You're Not Weird.

This post is a reply to Sandra's post: Obsessions Of A 19 Year Old.
Here you go Sandra. Just for you... the confessional of an 18 year old regarding his many obsessions throughout the year 2007:

• Fresh Fragrances. Oh. My. God. I must have gone insane just wanting to buy as many bottles of those types of fragrances then. (Good thing I didn't). Unfortunately I didn't have enough resources on hand then, which I guess helped, otherwise all my fragrances would have a fresh smell.
• Woody/Oriental/Aromatic, ie. not fresh fragrances. Yes, this is my current phase. I think I'm going insane.
• Staring into people's eyes. And getting lost in blue, green or deep ones. Regardless of the person's gender. Yes, it disturbs people, but I always get lost in people's eyes if they've got some depth to it. Brown ones work too. Black's too reflective.
  
• Designer Goods. Alright, who hasn't had this obsession? Yves Saint Laurent, Armani, Ralph Lauren, Nicole Farhi, Boss, the list of brands were endless. Whew, thankfully I've toned down before I did too much damage.
• Winter Coats. Yes, I obsessed over finding the perfect coat for ages, before I found out that the one I wanted would never come to Australia, much less NZ. I was plunged into gloom for 2 weeks.
• Unadon! Yes, Sandra, I, too was guilty of this crazy addictive dish.
• Cafe lattes. Don't think I'm over this one yet. For very obvious reasons. Very very very obvious reasons. Can you resist?
  
• Reading people's blogs off Joon Hui's overseer. I still do this. Crazily enough.
• Facebook. How this thing was ever addictive I have no clue... But it seriously occupied my time. So much time...
• Downloading games. Even though I don't play them. Don't ask, I sorta hoard it for no reason.
• Drinking. Yeah, all those times I spent at the student bar, Shadows... I don't think I'm that much of a drinker now, but I still enjoy drinking and stuff. Just not to the extent that I did before. Which was... insane...
• Competing with Richard at CHEMMAT. Which ended with me tying with him. Gah.
• Talking to as many people (including getting to know them) in the Engineering Faculty. I think my count is 100 or so out of the 600 1st years... Add a smattering of second years (30), 4 3rd years, and 6 4th years...
• Helping as many people out in the Engineering Faculty. Which I got very very very very sick of after the 3985250254th time when some idiot would come up to me and ask a very stupid question, such as: "But why do we use the Thevenin voltage?" GAH!!! Even worse were the programming questions. *shudder*
• Buying clothes that fit a urban casual style. Yes, I'm still in this phase, although I think I'm currently in the phase of...
• Buying clothes for a summer style. Haha, I'm obsessed.
• Going to shop for clothes. I don't necessarily buy clothes, but I like to keep up to date with NZ fashion.
• Reading magazines along the likes of ARENA, and Esquires. Essentially, men's magazines.

There are probably way more obsessions, but I can't remember them all. I know some of them are rather mundane, but the point is, I have my many obsessions too. Right, Sandra?

Morality

I just recently read this article at TIME.com about morality. Its actually quite an enlightening read. Seriously, if you've got the time, why not read it?

What Makes Us Moral?